tunes for jordan

so. a funny thing happened yesterday on our way home from ikea. after we spent more than four hours getting to that fabulous blue and yellow mecca of all things swedish and utilitarian (yet whimsical), we successfully purchased a crib, mattress, and changing table, thanks to the overwhelming generosity of my mom and nan and pop. on the way home, we were flying through the cds that we brought, and i decided it was time for some billy bragg. ted requested a particular song on the second disc of the two-disc set that we brought, so i started us off with that. i then moved to a song that i'm particularly fond of on the disc, called "the space race is over."

this is a song that i've been trying to put on a mix for ted for some time now, and it just never quite fits. i told him that i wanted to hear this song next (just in case he wanted to skip it, i invoked my listening rights), and he said that he loved it, too.

this is one of my favorite things about our relationship. we can have a cd for years, listen to it loads, both together and apart, talk about the band/singer, and still have a song that both of us enjoy, and neither of us knows that the other shares the sentiment.

anyway, it was really meaningful to me to have one of those discoveries in the growing dusk of a north carolina summer. as we sped down the interstate, stomachs rumbling and baby furniture in the back, we let this song soak in. i'm going to try to post it here. if it won't play, never fear--i'll keep working on it:

TheSpaceRaceIsOver.m4a

it was twenty years ago today...

to be realistic and historically accurate, it was much more like five years ago today. a mere half decade ago, a quarter of a score, ted and i were prepping for our afternoon nuptials. i remember waking up in mom's house in westfield, indiana and having breakfast with her, feeding my leftover cereal milk to sadie, my cat, and then spending the rest of the day in a whirlwind of preparation and celebration.

this morning has so far been an exact repeat performance, and i expect the day to continue as a mirror image of our wedding day.

i've been thinking this week about what five years of marriage means and haven't come up with a suitable answer. ever since i met ted, he's been my great pal and closest companion, and that continues to be true. i can't imagine spending my life with anyone else, and haven't been able to do so for quite a long time--longer than five years in fact.

and mostly, i'm so thrilled that he also wanted to have a baby with me. after proposing to me, that's been the best compliment he's ever given me, i think--that he's willing to travel down this unfamiliar path and make it up with me as we go.

the sun is up, the sky is blue

HELLO.

sorry, everyone, for the lag in posts. life has been busy (and when is it not?).

i'm pleased to say that we have tentatively arrived at a boy name. delightfully for this maniac, it also connotes a beatles connection. more about that later.

mostly i want to use this blog to give a shout-out to e-$. she is a real soldier and it has been amazing to watch her navigate this first 4.5 months. i've never seen someone take better care of him/herself. it's beautiful to watch her already care deeply and intelligently about this babski, to already see her formidable nurturing skills formed. i'm in awe at her ability to balance her needs and the needs of others without any contemplation -- she simply acts selflessly without even considering any other option. it's like watching a live action version of the lives of the saints.

most everyone has probably already seen her silent determination. this morning, i heard her get up while i sipped coffee and browsed celebrity gossip blogs (when will paris get out of jail?). she immediately went to the kitchen and fixed herself something to eat -- not out of habit, but because jordan demanded nutrition. i could tell that she was uncomfortable, but as soon as she finished her 1st breakfast (she was starting on 2nd breakfast when i left for work -- she is following the hobbit dining schedule, including elevensies) she perked up and we talked about the day.

what can i say -- i only hope that this babski is as adorable and thoughtful as e-$. i'm so glad that i'm along for this ride and she's sweet enough to let me co-navigate in my own bull-headed, mis-informed way.

i loves my babskis!

The Offspring is not just a band.

So here I am, an impending uncle, talking to my brother daily about the upcoming baa-baa. I'm so glad I was outside when he told me he and Erin were going to have a baby, because I screamed as loud as I could 3 times in a row. If I'd done that in front of all the kids in the daycare, they probably would have freaked out. It was out of joy, though, so that must count for something.
It's funny, the only thing I have to compare my knowledge of this new life development for Ted and Erin to is the fact that I've been trying to raise a stubborn butthead Old English Sheepdog for about 8 months now. That's the closest to parenting I've ever been. And from my conversations with many of the parents at the daycare, it's actually not that far from real parenthood--constant correction, love in the face of frustration, understanding and care for something--someone--whose entire welfare and responsibility lies in your hands.
So the more I think about it, the more I'm amazed. I love my dog so much, even though he's a jerk. And Ted and Erin are going to have an actual human being that is a perfect mix of both of them. They both have such extraordinary qualities that I just can't wait to see which ones make it into Jordan, and what new ones reveal themselves through the years. I want so much to be near, and try to be a presence in this kid's life, just because I love my brother and his wife so much and I know that this new life God has blessed them with will only be another fantastic expression and outpouring of their progress through this world.
love u, tednerin.

jordan's latest photo

jordan pressing 18 weeks
Originally uploaded by mcfehskens

look, mom! we finally took a picture. we'll be at 18 weeks on tuesday.

one more thing

in honor of father's day, please read this remarkable and funny article about one little guy who got us into this whole mess and the calculating, giant, beast who agreed:

Sleek, Fast, and Focused

i'll let you be in my dream if i can be in yours

i just remembered the ending to the baba dream that i had last night, so now, spurred by ted's dream blog, i can write out the whole thing:

i dreamt that we were at a baby store, probably babies r us, but it looked like the meijer that we used to go to in muncie. for some reason, there were about five aisles devoted to formula. whatevs.

anyway, i dreamt that we came upon this baba who was toddling around by himself. he looked exactly like my friend kate's baby, jasper. ted decided that we could just take him around with us since he was all alone. this was pretty fun and we had a great time with him until we got to the check-out lanes.

i started panicking, asking ted if he saw this kid's parents anywhere, or if we should page his parents. my point was that this was all well and good, but this little guy wasn't our baba, so we couldn't take him with us. plus, we had jordan on the way, so it would seem strange to trump jordan's big entrance with this kid that originally belonged to someone else.

this is the part i just remembered: ted said that it would be fine if we just left the babski in the store--that it (the store) and it (the babski) belonged together and they would take care of each other. that seemed like a pretty good explanation at the time, so we checked out (the woman in front of us looked like ranji and was buying fifty discounted tubs of chapstick) and left, feeling like we'd made the right decision.

i'm pretty sure this one isn't about the sopranos, but i'm not sure what it really is about. huh.

late last night i had a crazy dream

i dreamed that the babski arrived on thanksgiving, but was also 2 months early. and could already speak.

i also dreamed that the babski looked like both erin and myself, but also bore more than a passing resemblance to tony soprano, and that was also how the babski sounded. the babski had tony soprano's hair.

those were the strangest parts of the dream. i think the ambiguous ending of the sopranos must have stayed with me more than i thought it would, though i liked it and thought it an appropriate end to the series.

oh no -- i'm blogging about television. i'm such a loser.

is this together?

ah, togetherness. we saw 'knocked up' last night with rod, erich and monica and it held up pretty well after reading such effusively glowing reviews. it seemed timely (as everything does these days) to watch a movie about how ironizing marital togetherness produces an even greater bond of loyalty in the end.

it's hard not to love hollywood in moments like that, especially when the movie diegetically played one of our favorite new lily allen songs and washed the credits in a lovely song about a daughter. anyway, i've been thinking about togetherness a bit lately because of two anecdotes:

on saturday, after having looked at baby stuff in the morning, ted and i had lunch at a brew pub in chapel hill (mom, we must take you there for the onion rings). when we finally flagged the waiter down for the check, he asked us if it was together or separate. we thought this was hilarious because we assumed that it was obvious that we were um, like, totally together.

so again, on wednesdsay evening after going to the 'meet the midwives' event--which ended in an extensive tour of the maternity ward at unc hospital--we went to a restaurant, had a nice dinner together, and our waiter asked us, again, if the check was together or separate. at this point, it was so funny that i couldn't resist going beyond mere speculation (is it our body language? did we want to leave too early? is it because i never ordered a beer? do we somehow look miserable? did we have a catastrophically loud and public fight that we've both blanked on?). i asked the waiter as i was waiting for ted to finish washing his hands if there was something about certain tables that inclines him to ask if the checks are separate. he explained everything from a general situational perspective (most everyone who eats there gets their own check, even if they're sitting at a table of four) and was then completely surprised to hear that not only have we been married for five years, but that we had a baby on the way. he promised to always ask us if we wanted separate checks, which means i'll definitely be going back.

i'm still not sure why this is so funny to me, but i do relish the notion that we are so very much together while also being separate.

At last, thanks to Erin's endless patience with my difficulties in becoming a blogger, I am ready to contribute. Just a quick disclaimer to start: I will take great effort to proofread my entries, but my typing blunders are many these days due to my hand surgery, so please excuse any errors.
Well, to go all the way back to April 27 when I received a phone call from Erin on a Friday ( she never calls on Friday, it's usually Sunday) and asked her "what are you doing calling on a Friday" - jokingly , of course. She proceeded to ask me what we were doing for Thanksgiving. I thought she had gone mad, knowing that none of us plan that far in advance. I asked her if she wanted us to come to their house again since last year was so much fun, and she said that would be nice because that is when the baby's due. Of course I said WHAT BABY, and her very calm and controlled answer was OUR BABY. Well, I lost my calm control, tears came to my eyes and the rest is a bit of a blur as I took in the details of the ultrasound, due date, and how she was feeling. It was a wonderful conversation, but after hanging up, I cried with excitement, joy and the knowledge that I was becoming a grandmother. Thankfully, Bob understood and was a bit weepy eyed as well. I processed it all weekend as I called everyone I knew and spread the news. On Monday at school, I told everyone I saw (even those that I hardley ever see of speak to in such a huge school). Everyone shared in my excitement. Then ,all I could think about was wanting to see Erin with her new life inside. So I called and said, like a whining mom -"I just really want to see you. Do you have a sort of free weekend in May when I could visit?" It turned out that the coming weekend was the best for them, so I took Friday off and jumped on a plane and headed east. That weekend was woonderful. It made everything real, and I so enjoyed the time I spent with Erin, Ted and their friends who graciously included me in whatever they were doing.
And now several weeks later, I am still reeling with excitement. I have a new enthusiasm and interest in other people's babies, which I have never really had before now. I saw a couple this weekend with brand new twins - 8 days old, and started up a conversation (telling them that my daughter is pregnant), unable to take my eyes off their little hands and feet and basically their new existence. All the time I was imaging them as being Jordan and how excited I am to see and hold her/him. I'm looking at stuffed animals wherever I go and baby clothes and gear wherever it pops up. For someone that was not consumed with how much I wanted to be a grandmother, I suddenly understand that feeling that so many of my freinds have experienced.
Erin and Ted will be the most knowledgable, loving, caring and most outstanding parents in the history of the world ,of course. Keep the pictures coming. I enjoyed the bump you took to the party and printed it to show Nan and Pop today. They are pretty excited as well.
I could go on and on, but it is my first real day of summer vacation and all of those tasks around here are screaming for my attention ( like Jordan will be doing in about 25 weeks or so).

dad and me at duke

dad and me at duke
Originally uploaded by mcfehskens

macking for the camera and general atmosphere

A Couple of Moms

A Couple of Moms
Originally uploaded by mcfehskens

mom and me at erich and monica's bbq. monica, thank you for the ONLY photo documentation of mom's wild and fun spur-of-the-moment visit

mine own hair

mine own hair
Originally uploaded by mcfehskens

ted's initial reaction to the baby news.

for REAL now

for REAL now
Originally uploaded by mcfehskens

taking the baby bump to hillary's bachelorette party

high fidelity

so, the ears are beginning to develop. i have come to a necessary and robust conclusion. rather than buy bose noise-reducing earphones (i should add that these were quickly vetoed by the spousal unit), i am going to begin playing music loudly. this child has much catching up to do and i want to give it as much a head-start as possible on record geekery. to that end, i am beginning a list of must listens. let me know of additions, subtractions, quarrels...

modest mouse: we were dead before the ship even sank
beach boys: pet sounds
babyshambles: down in albion
beatles: rubber soul, revolver, white album
the smiths: louder than bombs
lily allen: alright, still
the good, the bad, and the queen
the clash: sandinista!
bob dylan: freewheelin', bringing it all back home, john wesley harding, blood on the tracks, live '75, street legal, love and theft
sam cooke: live at the harlem square club
counting crows: august and everything after
delroy wilson: the best of
prince buster: fabulous greatest hits
bounty killer: the mystery
junior murvin: police & thieves
antony and the johnsons: i am a bird now
kate bush: hounds of love, aerial
flaming lips: at war with the mystics
the kinks: are the village green preservation society
p.j. harvey: stories from the city, stories from the sea
the killers: sam's town
morrissey: live at earl's court
beastie boys: hello nasty
elvis costello: get happy!, imperial bedroom, the delivery man
elvis presley: the sun sessions, from elvis in memphis
r.e.m.: new adventures in hi-fi
the zombies: odessey and oracle
david bowie: hunky dory, ziggy stardust and the spiders from mars
george harrison: all things must pass
jimi hendrix: live at the fillmore
miles davis: the complete bitches brew
the jam: setting sons
van morrison: astral weeks
radiohead: kid a, amnesiac
joe strummer and the mescaleros: global a go go, streetcore
sufjan stevens: illinois
talking heads: fear of music, remain in light
dwight yoakam: buenos noches from a lonely room
lucinda williams: world without tears


this seems to be a good start (modest mouse is on right now). i will probably obsessively update this post. it's kind of interesting to figure out the top albums you want to play to the person you'll probably love the most. it really puts it into perspective. and you all might laugh at me, but i am honestly not putting everything i want to on here, mostly for the sake of time. that, and some of my favorite albums, erin absolutely hates, and vice-versa. i think it's important that we have an accord on this one for at least a few months.

First visit from Nanet

Well, I'm just tickled pink (or blue) to be a part of this episode in our oldest son's and daughter's lives - and our first grandbaby, of course!
For Erin's birthday I just had to send along my first purchase for the baba - a light green "onesie" (on sale at T.J. Maxx.) They didn't have what I was looking for but this will do for now. It satisfied my grandmaternal cravings of ogling sweet baby stuff.
Erin, I wish I could see your sweet little belly! Please send photos (or blog them if that's possible) of you in your new maternity gear. I love reading and hearing about every minute detail, remembering almost every one that happened when I was carrying Ted. (Teddy.) (Teddy-Rabbit-Bunny-Bear.) Oh my, how goofy babies make us!
Dad and John sang folk songs at the "Hull House" today while Chelsea and I listened and enjoyed. It's awfully hot here today. Am I allowed to write this kind of stuff, or am I simply supposed to respond to what you write? I don't know Blog Etiquette.
We're going to see "Pirates of the Caribbean" tomorrow; at least that's the plan - then we can discuss that. We were watching "Apocolypto" and it's pretty amazing, then Dad left to retrieve the Duck from work. The main reason I love to go to movies (at the theatre) is we usually get to watch the whole thing in one shot. That doesn't happen here. We saw "Blood Diamond" last night and that was really good, too. I think I'll have had my fill of gore for awhile.
Moving right along, Confirmation is tomorrow and we're going to a party tomorrow afternoon. Duck's "Cabaret" in Monday night, etc. I could go on and on. (On and on she goes, each word more meaningless than the last) - but I"ll stop. This is your blog and I love you three so much and am itching to make baby things. Humor me. Love, Mom/Janet

is it a bird or a baby?

as ted has already indicated in his proustian reminiscing on the fast/slow passage of time, we saw 'pirates of the caribbean' last night. i'll say it because it should be said: what a swashbuckler.

actually it was a pretty enjoyable movie, exploring global capitalism on the high seas, complete with singaporean steam baths, an international brotherhood (with women in it) of pirates, keith richards, lots of sword fighting and johnny depp. an evening well spent, in my mind. at the center of the many threads of desire that weave together this installment of 'pirates' is the nearly-omnipresent beating heart of davey jones himself. various fiends and heroes carry said heart around in its locked treasure chest until the exciting end.

i can't tell you what happens. i don't want to ruin it for you. suffice it to say, it was a matter of striking (in)congruency that the movie we saw after my doctor's appt. was filled with a slowly beating heart, because we heard the quickly beating heart (it could have been a bird) of jordan while in the doctor's office.

heartbeats abound lately in our lives. we've been listening to a fair bit of reggae and west african highlife music. the slow bass and drum beat of reggae matches our hearts and the fast polyrhythms of highlife mirror jordan's. i like thinking about heartbeats and music together--seems like something we'll be doing for a long time into the future. i wonder if the babski will like the clash and dylan as much as we do? the eardrums are coming on soon, so we'll start the indoctrination in a few weeks.