oh, i'm not pregnant

i don't know if it's my entrance into the monstrously pregnant phase or the fact that i'm tired of solicitous strangers who comment on my pregnancy with no invitation whatsoever, but i've been dying to tell someone who asks me how much longer i've got or when i'm due that i'm not pregnant at all. i just want to see that inital wide-eyed look of panic before they console themselves with the fact that i have a terrible sense of humor or am really completely delusional.

that moment arrived last night.

there we were, cozy in the known, but unposted express lane at whole foods, and the cashier looked first at jordan and then at my face and said, with great enthusiasm, 'wow, you look like you're about ready to pop.' feeling no productive ill-will at the moment, i was getting ready to admit that i still had an eternity to go when ted stepped in and saved the day.

ted: oh, she's not pregnant.

whole foods girl: wow, really?

erin: yeah, i'm just really bloated. weird, isn't it?

wfg: um yeah. (scans ted's beer) can i see your id's, guys?

(ted produces his) erin: mine's in the car, but i'm not drinking anyway (which ended up being a lie that night, thanks to hillary and greg's delicious wine)

wfg: yeah, you can't drink beer because you're already so fat.

ted: it's the twinkies. she's existed solely on twinkies for the past eight months.

erin: they're amazingly absorbative. you never have to go to the bathroom, and you're always got lots of energy as long as you keep stuffing your face, but they do sort of stick around (shakes her belly up and down for emphasis. jordan stretches a leg and swears)

ted: yeah, she's been so productive at work because she never has to move, except to open a new box of twinkies.

wfg: i love you guys. why haven't i seen you before?

ted: i was here earlier today. where were you?

wfg: well, today's my first day.

i know it's not a kroger story, but i finally got to work through my wish. and the cheeses that we bought that night were really terrific, so it would have been worth it even if the wfg didn't turn out to be such a good sport.