Still Appropriate

I know this is kind of cliched and maybe overlong, but I abbreviated it because I couldn't leave it out--it's so beautiful, and so much the way I think of new life, especially when it involves two people like ice princess and hobbit.

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
---Dr. Seuss

my (little) sack of worms

i was prepping to blog about the INCREDIBLE shower that we had on saturday, hosted by 'Team Jordan,' otherwise known as Hillary, Monica, Anne G. and Anne O-H, and aided by their water boys, otherwise known as Greg, Erich, Phil, and Nathan. ted beat me to it and conveyed all the joy and happiness that i'm still experiencing from the huge love-fest of all things baby. So instead of just repeating Ted's well-crafted shout-out, i want to post this little article from that rag, The Onion. click on the pretty picture below and enjoy.

Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite

NEW BRIGHTON, MN— "I'm so happy!" Crowley said of the golf ball–sized, nutrient-sapping organism that will eventually require hospitalization in order to be removed.

Meet Up for Obama/Jordan '08

well, jordan had one aitch of a party on saturday, and the kid hasn't even arrived yet. some of our closest friends held a shower for pups and pups, and it was overwhelming. the gear collection has nearly hit critical mass, as jordan received his/her dream stroller, and a pristine new car seat. there were lots of other gifts too, including books, toys, and clothes. the kid is all set.

our friends also demonstrated exquisite taste. the spread was fantastic, and the bar-tending right on time.

one reason erin and i are excited about jordan's timing is that we feel loved and are so happy with our friends and our community. jordan isn't just about us, and i can't imagine embarking on this kind of a decision without the love and support of so many people. seriously, i want to give a shout out to EVERYBODY -- so know, this includes all of you. we are so happy that you are sharing this with us.

I knew this was going to happen- I disappear from the scene for 2 months, and Erin's the one that looks like she brought a parasite back from South America! No really, you're beautiful. A beautiful host.

While in Chiclayo, I spent a significant amount of time with two little Peruvian baba's named Romina and Nathaly, aged 4 and 1. I was the early riser in the house, so for the first few hours of the morning I read them stories, soothed sadness, and invented songs with them about Peruvian nationalism (we're not gonna help Ecuador! We're not gonna help Bolivia! Our pistolas keep the Spaniards at a distance!) Romina was a lyrical genius.

I became accustomed to the tedium, the hilarity, and the miraculous interplay between adult and child, and a lot of these morning games reminded me of when Ted and I were doing this with Sally and Mary Grace. It was a sweet reminder of domesticity, correcting pronunciation and teaching manners. In so many words, I covet you this experience, and was reminded of your joy by two little patriots.

a few belly shots

i've finally loaded the pictures from our indiana trip onto my computer. there's a belly shot from then (left, 23 weeks) and ted just took this other belly shot of me today (far left, almost 27 weeks). yep, jordan's definitely growing.

more pictures to follow...

From Minutiae to the Grandiose

I don't know whether to feel good or bad that I'm not able to be around tednerin for all the awesome trivial things that add to the momentum of having a baba. It's sad not to be around for those things, but at the same time it forces me to approach this phenomenon with more of a vague and philosophical perception.
Like last night, I finished reading "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" for the second time, which is a good book but iterates over and over how difficult and confusing life can be. And I agree. But at the same time, the overwhelming majority of John (79%) holds life to be a constant source of wonder, joy, and bemusement.
So as I think about this NEW LIFE getting ready to crash the party the world is currently having, I'm excited for it/him/her. Jordan will have a whole new, different mentality, different associations and experiences, different everything. S/he won't lack for knowledge because of his/her parents, so the ways in which this child grows up and views things will be a lot of fun to watch. Especially when the world's so damn fun anyway.
So here's to you two!

when an impulse buy becomes so much more

i think the krogering blog will become a commonly-seen subgenre of our posts. here's one from today. we were in the check-out, and i pointed out a pack of gum to ted. i thought he would pounce on it because we saw a strange commercial for the product before 'the bourne ultimatum' yesterday. once i reminded him of the gum's first appearance in our lives, he became enchanted and told me that it did indeed look powerful. after having it scanned, he opened the package and proceeded to show me the clever way in which the gum was packaged, which had to be nothing but greater proof of the gum's superiority over all others.

the cashier and i shared a knowing glance that said, 'ah, he's your first child, and that melon on front of you will be your second.' i sidled down the lane and said to ted, 'why have a child at all.'

meanwhile, he's capering about, giving me his first impressions of the gum.

the bagger, an older man who we're calling uncle willy because we don't know his real name and he just looked the part, responded to me, thinking that the question was not only not rhetorical, but also unironic. he said, 'so you have someone to love you when you get old.'

abashed, with spearamint-y mouths, we left kroger for the day.

johr-din. my name is johr-din.

as you know, jordan's voice is laced with a heavy, raspy brooklyn accent. i don't know why, but i know it's true.

jordan is also obsessed with saying his/her name. over and over again, all day long, i hear 'johr-din. my name is johr-din.' ted and i are pretty sure that once jordan's out and about that s/he will continue to make up songs about his/her name.

the only thing missing from this video is jordan's name. big thanks to kirsten for sending it to me and ensuring that 'snape, snape, severus snape' is seared into my brain for all time.

if my womb were the parisian banlieus

we just got home from seeing 'the bourne ultimatum,' which was thrilling from beginning to end. i loved it. ted loved it. and jordan loved it.

i know this because jordan harbours a deep love for the cinema that rivals ours, but i also know this because jordan was going NUTZ in the womb for all the exciting bits in the movie. now, for those of you who haven't seen it yet (why are you reading this instead of going to see the movie?), the exciting parts happen one right after another throughout the entire movie. it's a thrillcoaster.

ted wants me to say that all this movement might have something to do with the diet dr. pepper and pudding that i snuck into the movie. to that i say: whev. he just said something about the death star. and han solo smuggling. whev again.

now he said: jerk ass.
fair enough.

ANYway. i was thinking of how to best approximate what it feels like when jordan gets especially spry in utero, and i think this video sums it up.

apparently jordan thinks my web is a bustling european metropolis. and if you didn't know, 'banlieu' means suburb in french.

friday's miscellany

so. i've just taken a short walk between the english department building on campus and the library to print out a few articles that most likely hold the key to my dissertation. reading them will clearly be as monumental a moment as that one guy had when he first read the rosetta stone. it seemed to be blazingly hot during my little walk, and upon returning and checking the ever-reliable weather.com, i find that it's a mere 101 degrees, with a heat index hovering around 108. ah, summer in north carolina.

my week in indiana seems so much longer ago than it really was. ted and i had a great time, and i had a wonderful time with mom and bob before ted showed up mid-week to join the festivities. i feel like i'm still reeling from the generosity that was heaped upon us at our showers--and all week long, really. we left with a full car-load of baby gear. ted has complained that it's strewn about the house, which is patently untrue. everything little and soft has been put away in the dresser (thank you nan and pop!). now all we need to do is actually move the furniture around in the office so that the crib (thank you, mom!) and cedar chest (thank you dad and hope!) become usable objects rather than a laundry storage site and a bench.

it's true that on the ride home from indiana, jordan's voice manifested itself to me in a raspy brooklyn accent, the perfect sound for such a scaramouche (word of the day, people. subscribe.) of a child. i don't know why this is, but it's been funny around the house, and argos now loves being called in jordan's voice. they're going to be the best of pals.

in other news, jordan's been zooming around in the womb, practicing quidditch moves. i've been getting some pretty strong thumpings lately--so much so that my belly actually pulsates. it would be gross if it weren't so cool. of course, staying true to obstinate form, jordan still refuses to punch, kick, or flip on demand. good kid.

i think that's it for now. everything continues to go smoothly, and we continue to be overwhelmed by our family's generosity and excitement. i wonder if jordan knows how much s/he is anticipated and loved already? if so, it'll probably just make the kid want to be as late in arriving as possible--you know, to build up suspense. i would like to just calmly remind this child that s/he is *not* a magic trick and will not need to rely on cheap stage effects to produce awe and wonder at his/her arrival. we'll see how that goes.

erin is losing her mind

i received this email from erin today. it is meant to be read aloud, in a heavy brooklyn accent. for erin, it represents the voice of jordan from the womb.

here's a little dialogue for your reading pleasure:

where's my puddin!, sez jordan.

you get it after dinner, i sez to jordan, i sez.

can i have a hawt dawg fuah dinnewh? (i wrote this part in response to erin -- the rest is completely hers)

NO.

but you can have a soy pups.

SOY PUPS! SOY PUPS!

not dissuaded, jordan changes tack: well wheay's ah-gos!
be quiet. i'm trying to read.

johr-din. my name's johr-din.

over and over again.
ad infinitum.

BEING for the benefit of, er, jordan

i just wanted to give a shout-out to everyone and thank you all for your support so far. this whole process has been a wide-eyed experience, and the generosity has been overwhelming.

monday evening the three of us returned from indianapolis. we were visiting b/c we love everyone there, and also to attend 2 showers. i can't believe how much stuff we got. somehow, we managed to fit it all into the car and now it is spread throughout the house. in fact, the house and erin's mid-section are both swelling due to jordan. way to go, jordan. just when i felt like i had a handle on simplifying my life, you come along, and we have to get a lot more gear, and erin gets bigger too. thanks a lot, you recalcitrant child o' mine.

BUT ANYWAY. thanks to everyone for such thoughtful and meaningful gifts. the clock is ticking, and so is my ear. i think my ear is ticking from a lack of personal hygeine or something, though.

apparently, there are about 237 reasons that got us into this mess

a personal favorite: "i was slumming."

Findings: The Whys of Mating: 237 Reasons and Counting
By JOHN TIERNEY
Published: July 31, 2007

Scholars in antiquity began counting the ways that humans have sex, but they weren’t so diligent in cataloging the reasons humans wanted to get into all those positions. Darwin and his successors offered a few explanations of mating strategies — to find better genes, to gain status and resources — but they neglected to produce a Kama Sutra of sexual motivations.

Perhaps you didn’t lament this omission. Perhaps you thought that the motivations for sex were pretty obvious. Or maybe you never really wanted to know what was going on inside other people’s minds, in which case you should stop reading immediately.

For now, thanks to psychologists at the University of Texas at Austin, we can at last count the whys. After asking nearly 2,000 people why they’d had sex, the researchers have assembled and categorized a total of 237 reasons — everything from “I wanted to feel closer to God” to “I was drunk.” They even found a few people who claimed to have been motivated by the desire to have a child.

The researchers, Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss, believe their list, published in the August issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior, is the most thorough taxonomy of sexual motivation ever compiled. This seems entirely plausible.

Who knew, for instance, that a headache had any erotic significance except as an excuse for saying no? But some respondents of both sexes explained that they’d had sex “to get rid of a headache.” It’s No. 173 on the list.

Others said they did it to “help me fall asleep,” “make my partner feel powerful,” “burn calories,” “return a favor,” “keep warm,” “hurt an enemy” or “change the topic of conversation.” The lamest may have been, “It seemed like good exercise,” although there is also this: “Someone dared me.”

Dr. Buss has studied mating strategies around the world — he’s the oft-cited author of “The Evolution of Desire” and other books — but even he did not expect to find such varied and Machiavellian reasons for sex. “I was truly astonished,” he said, “by this richness of sexual psychology.”

The researchers collected the data by first asking more than 400 people to list their reasons for having sex, and then asking more than 1,500 others to rate how important each reason was to them. Although it was a fairly homogenous sample of students at the University of Texas, nearly every one of the 237 reasons was rated by at least some people as their most important motive for having sex.

The best news is that both men and women ranked the same reason most often: “I was attracted to the person.”

The rest of the top 10 for each gender were also almost all the same, including “I wanted to express my love for the person,” “I was sexually aroused and wanted the release” and “It’s fun.”

No matter what the reason, men were more likely to cite it than women, with a couple of notable exceptions. Women were more likely to say they had sex because, “I wanted to express my love for the person” and “I realized I was in love.” This jibes with conventional wisdom about women emphasizing the emotional aspects of sex, although it might also reflect the female respondents’ reluctance to admit to less lofty motives.

The results contradicted another stereotype about women: their supposed tendency to use sex to gain status or resources.

“Our findings suggest that men do these things more than women,” Dr. Buss said, alluding to the respondents who said they’d had sex to get things, like a promotion, a raise or a favor. Men were much more likely than women to say they’d had sex to “boost my social status” or because the partner was famous or “usually ‘out of my league.’ ”

Dr. Buss said, “Although I knew that having sex has consequences for reputation, it surprised me that people, notably men, would be motivated to have sex solely for social status and reputation enhancement.”

But then, men were also more likely than women to say they’d had sex because “I was slumming.” Or simply because “the opportunity presented itself,” or “the person demanded that I have sex.”

If nothing else, the results seem to be a robust confirmation of the hypothesis in the old joke: How can a woman get a man to take off his clothes? Ask him.

To make sense of the 237 reasons, Dr. Buss and Dr. Meston created a taxonomy with four general categories:

¶Physical: “The person had beautiful eyes” or “a desirable body,” or “was good kisser” or “too physically attractive to resist.” Or “I wanted to achieve an orgasm.”

¶Goal Attainment: “I wanted to even the score with a cheating partner” or “break up a rival’s relationship” or “make money” or “be popular.” Or “because of a bet.”

¶Emotional: “I wanted to communicate at a deeper level” or “lift my partner’s spirits” or “say ‘Thank you.’ ” Or just because “the person was intelligent.”

¶Insecurity: “I felt like it was my duty” or “I wanted to boost my self-esteem” or “It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.”

Having sex out of a sense of duty, Dr. Buss said, showed up in a separate study as being especially frequent among older women. But both sexes seem to practice a strategy that he calls mate-guarding, as illustrated in one of the reasons given by survey respondents: “I was afraid my partner would have an affair if I didn’t.”

That fear seems especially reasonable after you finish reading Dr. Buss’s paper and realize just how many reasons there are for infidelity. Some critics might complain that the list has some repetitions — it includes “I was curious about sex” as well as “I wanted to see what all the fuss was about” — but I’m more concerned about the reasons yet to be enumerated.

For instance, nowhere among the 237 reasons will you find the one attributed to the actress Joan Crawford: “I need sex for a clear complexion.” (The closest is “I thought it would make me feel healthy.”)Nor will you find anything about gathering rosebuds while ye may (the 17th-century exhortation to young virgins from Robert Herrick). Nor the similar hurry-before-we-die rationale (“The grave’s a fine and private place/ But none I think do there embrace”) from Andrew Marvell in “To His Coy Mistress.”

From even a cursory survey of literature or the modern mass market in sex fantasies, it seems clear that this new taxonomy may not be any more complete than the original periodic table of the elements.

When I mentioned Ms. Crawford’s complexion and the poets’ rationales to Dr. Buss, he promised to consider them and all other candidates for Reason 238.

You can nominate your own reasons at TierneyLab. You can also submit nominations for a brand new taxonomy: reasons for just saying “No way!” Somehow, though, I don’t think this list will be as long.